So You’re Gay, Huh?

So you’re gay and proud? What’s your next course of action now that you have come out? I don’t get it why gay people feel the need to tell everyone that they are gay. It’s not exactly a life altering predicament being gay. Especially because I think gay people are born gay and deep down they know they are gay even at a young age, they know. They may not know what exactly their ‘problem’ is but they know something sets them apart from the rest of us seemingly ‘normal’ individuals. At some point in life gay you will find a person of your particular bearing and live a full life, I guess. Why you feel the need to tell everyone that your sexual alignment leans on the butt side of things is beyond me.

A few of us grew up with that one friend who you thought had some unorthodox approach to life but never gave it much thought because that’s just the way kids are wired. They do not give much of a fuck about your orientation. In fact every boy at a certain age displays a certain degree of gay but most of us outgrow it while that weird kid keeps at it, you know, playing with the dolls, speaking like Michael Jackson… And there’s nothing clinically wrong with such people, it’s just the way their system is tweaked.

"I'm totally straight, I swear"

“I’m totally straight, I swear”

It’s a buggy tweak but you have to live with it because, sadly, God (or whoever your deity is) does not offer system updates to fix the ‘error’.

Before I got a grasp of what this coming out thing is all about I was an uneasy soul.  Whenever a grown up came out as gay, other adults didn’t want to talk much about it, at least not in my presence, as I was still young and impressionable and perhaps they thought I would turn gay because I heard some asshole in the neighborhood was gay. They couldn’t have been more off beam. People coming out had a near opposite effect on me. My parents never gave me the birds and the bee talk, gay or straight. I was left to school myself in that aspect.

Growing up I thought being gay was a disease, some unfortunate contagious indisposition that you had to live with for the rest of your life which I’m sure the homophobe in you is probably convinced of. I lived in fear that one day I might wake up with this life shattering condition and be an outcast like Uncle Bob. All because people receive news of individuals coming out like it’s a plague.

“Hey, Mike you heard Uncle Bob is gay?”

“WHAT? How long did the doctors give him?”

“I’m not sure, but Uncle Sam says it is two months. Apparently he’s terminal!”

“No shit!”

It goes without saying that Uncle Sam is a dipshit!

Now that I’m all grown with a firm grasp of my orientation, I have realized that I can never be gay. Not because I want to go to heaven, (I heard that the good book frowns upon the way of the butt) but rather because I have realized that I lack the zeal & dedication needed to successfully navigate the gay ocean. I don’t have the right bearing or the compass to direct me towards the Bermuda triangle.

Fancy words aside, I have it on good authority that if someone wants to make his way into my poo dispenser, he expects a certain level of dispenser neatness on my part and I can’t handle that kind of stress in my life. I want to go the loo, do my business and wipe my dispenser then come back and sit down without worrying that my partner may want to stick it in my dispenser at that instant because we all know that wiping your dispenser doesn’t make it entirely clean. It’s just won’t work.

Me being gay would mean that I have to stay cleaner than I am now and that’s a comfort zone that I will never be ready to leave. Plus it means that at some point I may have to come out and tell everyone that I’m into butts and butts only and I just don’t have the time.

Another thing, I can’t seem to wrap to my mind around is who, in a gay relationship, fetches the other a sandwich. I mean it’s called a sandwich because it rhymes with bitch, right?

You know, “bitch, get me a sandwich!” Never mind…

After all is said and done, I just don’t need to know that you’re gay. It’s information that will improve my life in zero ways. You coming out as gay will only make me look at you funny when we meet, your coming out does not solve your problem with the law either: you’ll still get arrested if you’re caught in a gay scenario. It’s a bullshit law but it’s still the law. At the end of the day, your gay escapades are a private matter much like us straight folks. We do our shit in private and that’s that. Sure some of us will brag every once in a while how bad-ass we are at getting laid but that’s just the way of things. Some people are tremendous assholes with little to no regard for the rest of us who have all sorts of women issues.

Point is I can think of dozens of things that are a lot more interesting than news of you flying out of the proverbial closet. For instance, I’d love to know how people are hiring billboards as assassins…I mean don’t you miss the good old days where assassination victims were shot, beaten, decapitated, burned and what have you? Billboards, that’s a whole different realm. A mystery and I love mysteries. Gay tendencies, not so much!


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