ISRAEL SAYS GAZA OFFENSIVE A PREEMPTIVE STRIKE

TEL-AVIV

(Tel Aviv, Israel) – In a press conference in Tel Aviv, the Israeli Premier said the Gaza offensive is of the pre-emptive nature and one that seeks to end the Israel-Gaza conflict once and for all. The media address came amid Gaza’s claims that the Israel Military actions amount to crimes against humanity to which the Israeli leadership said, “Meh” and ordered even more shelling.

When asked to elaborate further, The Prime Minister said, “The attacks are simply meant to annihilate the Gaza Strip in its entirety. Killing everyone means no more people to kill…” He further stated that women and children are top priority, “because no women means no more children and no more children means no more soldiers which effectively means no more war.” A move hailed by many of Israel’s allies as groundbreaking and insightful.

The reporters had burning questions and the first one up was an American (obviously) to which he asked or rather stated that, “Western Governments approve and support your efforts in ending the Gaza conflict!”

An Al-Jazeera journalist shot up and said to the American that that was not actually a question to which the American said, “is too…” The Al-jazeera reporter added that Americans, like the Israelis, are just radical imperialists hiding under the democracy magniloquence.

The American (oblivious to the accusation) said that Americans don’t practice magniloquence and that’s it’s illegal in the US and then called Al-Jazeera, “Al-Qaeda sympathizers”.

The Al-Jazeera journalist called the American fat and diabetic, a statement echoed by the Russian reporter in the room. The American turned to the Russian and called him a mass murderer.

A Chinese reporter called bullshit on the claim by the American and termed it a classic case of Kettle calling the Pot black. The American called the Chinese National a corrupt opportunist with ill agenda in Africa. The Chinese squinted and said, “whatever” although no one noticed the squint. He called the West’s capitalist stances as outdated redneck attempts at bullying the world which no one buys anymore.

The American took off his shoes and hurled one at the Russian and the other at the Chinese reporter while the Al-Jazeera reporter received a rather menacing look from the American. Why the American used his shoes as weapons was not immediately explained. He’s also said to have threatened to shoot up the joint.

A Gaza based reporter rose up to direct a question to the Israel Premier when things cooled down but the Prime Minister’s bodyguards shot him twice, once in each leg and planted a fake rocket down his pants and accused him of attempted assassination. The wounds were said to be non-fatal but that could change if he fails to confess to trying to maim the Israeli leader.

When everybody looked up the Prime Minister was gone and as if on cue, a Swiss journalist walked in from a bathroom break and asked, “What did I miss?”

“Ignorant, neutral prick!” scoffed the American.

 

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