The reason I’m not in a studio right now recording a rap album is because I’ve never been shot or arrested or shot then arrested or arrested then shot. I don’t get “bitches” either, so there’s that.

I can never approach rap like a rapper because I don’t even understand rap. The last time I tried to spit I accidentally called my girlfriend a hoe thinking that that is actually a good thing but in my defense after we broke up she became a perennial S word but that’s not the issue here.

Thing is, I don’t get rap and it’s kind of why I Iike “cheesy songs”. For instance, “Last Night” by AZ YET is about how a bunch of dudes got laid. Nothing fancy, just reminiscing about how a few hours ago their dicks met (presumably several) vaginas. Like an orgy but in a song. Nothing deep or unfathomable except for that one part where they sing that they “saw the sun, the moon, the mountains and the rivers…”

The lesson from that song is that getting laid will make you sound like a hopeless drunk.

I can narrate a similar story about last night but it was because I was standing outside calmly feeding the mosquitoes minus the sun and the mountains, rivers part because a) it was at night and b) I don’t live in the jungle so no mountains or rivers.

What I’m saying is I like the kind of music where I DON’T have to ask a friend what that last line meant but shenanigans aside the issue here is why rappers grab their crotch.

I can’t seem to get the holding crotch part right. I don’t think level headed rappers do it anymore but I feel that if I was to attempt anything rap related I should grab my crotch every few minutes.

Like I’m doing as I type this although that could be for totally different reasons which I will not discuss here.

Crotch grabbing music is what I watched while growing up and I couldn’t, for the life of me, discern why that’s important. I still don’t. I don’t understand why the free hand has to be on the crotch. Why can’t it be in the front pocket or in the back pocket or wrap it in a sling or just let it hang on the side like God intended? Why the crotch, are you afraid that someone is going to kick you in the crotch or maybe a projectile will fly from the crowd right onto your junk? Rap is not soccer; nobody is going to kick a ball in the general direction of your sensitivities! Nobody attends a Kanye West’s concert intending to whack him in the nuts, at least not people I know.

Ok, maybe Kanye West isn’t an apt example especially because if there’s a rapper who deserves a kick in the gonads it’s got to be Kanye West but you get the point.

A rapper worth his salt won’t worry about objects flying from the crowd because chances are anything hurled from the fans is nowhere near a weapon unless you think bras and other briefs are dangerous.

By now I’m pretty sure that you’re thinking that I just slapped on a misleading title for hits, far from it. I actually did a research on this. Ok I googled a bit. That’s what constitutes as research these days anyway so shut up. I was determined to get to the bottom of it and as any researcher will tell you the first stop on any internet (re)search is Yahoo answers because even researchers need to laugh.

I didn’t even need to load Yahoo answers to gather any wisdom on why rappers grab their crotch; it was right there on the first results page. Apparently a man’s crotch is a weapon and that’s why any self respecting rapper would grab his. It makes sense, a man’s crotch is a weapon, only problem is, a concert stage is not the platform for this kind of weapon.

Yahoo answers notwithstanding, if there’s anyone who can explain this whole crotch grabbing business it has to be one of the most successful rappers out there, Jay Z. And he did:

“They [rappers] don’t have any experience on how to perform in front of people, hold the mic – all these different things you need to know as a performer. So you get up there, you feel naked. So when you feel naked, what’s the first thing you do? You cover yourself. So that bravado is an act of, ‘I am so nervous right now, I am scared to death. I’m going to act so tough that I am going to hide it and I have to grab my crotch’. That’s just what happens.”


not pictured: a rapper
also not pictured: a musician

Way to anticlimax Jay, Z.

Well, there you go, crotch grabbing rappers are pussies and if their sagged pants is anything to go by I would assume is to hold their massive pant shitting diarrhea happening on stage and I think I should now stop grabbing my crotch now; it’s not as cool as I thought it was.

Unless I’m grabbing it for reasons that I shouldn’t discuss here!



  1. This is just an official shout out to all my Gs that are infuriated by this heavily bias and insulting post towards various rap artists and styles, Don’t let hate media like this get you down, the simple fact that Gs are “tryin shit” already makes us above haters that be haten, just the fact that this arrogant motherfucker is on here, makes him, a bitch niggah, keep it pushen in the struggle real niggahs, -Katt Williams

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s