(Nairobi, Kenya) – Following the WHO’s classification of Kenya as a high risk country for the spread of Ebola, the government of Kenya, through the Ministry of Health in conjunction with other involved parties, has issued travel bans against the deadly Ebola virus. The decision was reached after the health sector realized that it lacks the required manpower and expertise to contain Ebola in the likely event of an outbreak. The health cabinet secretary, Mr. James Wainaina issued the ban in the media briefing and assured the public that his ministry was “at the helm of things”.

In the joint press conference, the cabinet secretary announced that his ministry together with the internal security and defense ministries harmonized their intelligence and figured that the best course of action was to ban all strains of Ebola both documented and any other that may crop up in the future. The screening at major airports and border crossing points will continue and anyone who tests positive for the virus will be arrested, quarantined for twenty one days and finally prosecuted for aiding and abetting an outlawed entity (that is if he/she makes it out of quarantine alive).

When pressed by members of the press to explain exactly how banning Ebola could help contain it, a police spokesman claimed that in an unnamed West African country, a known strain of Ebola was arrested and quarantined after it was spotted in the general vicinity of a Kenyan consulate looking shifty as hell. The strain protested and threatened to become airborne if it was not given a chance to call a lawyer. The arresting officers threatened it with untested serums where it’s said to have changed its mind and agreed to quarantine. Following that particular incident the spokesman said that it was a matter of time before other strains tried to travel to Kenya and banning Ebola is way of telling it that we know what it’s up to and it will hopefully stop and rethink its life choices.

The arrested strain cooperated with the authorities and struck a deal for a reduced quarantine to rat out other strains that were in the processing of bribing an official in the consulate for travel documents to Kenya. Among the names it provided is the pant shitting UBEDIARHEARING strain that causes death within hours after infection due to massive diarrhea.

The joint press brief urged citizens to report any case of feverish looking viruses to the nearest police station or military base and not try to be a hero by making a citizen’s arrest because if you get infected in your heroic shenanigans, you’ll be arrested for harboring a fugitive in your circulation system.

When asked how ordinary citizens were supposed to identify a virus, the government promised to print flyers and erect billboards on every street corner with mug-shots of various already identified strains of Ebola and an artist’s impression of possible mutations of the virus. The public was also asked to be on the lookout for Ebola disguised as the common flu which basically means that everyone with flu, fever, anxiety, nervousness or general sweaty armpits paranoia, is a ripe suspect ready for picking and probing.


Left: Two strains of Ebola making sweet sweet love. Right: An artist’s impression. The artist is not well paid.

True to that fact, a Nairobi based journalist sneezed in the conference and was quickly whisked away on suspicion of bio-warfare espionage at the behest of the Ebola virus. His whereabouts are still unknown but he’s rumored to have been ordered to self quarantine until a containment facility is constructed.

After that incident the panel refused to answer any more questions and scurried away. The reporters were left banging their heads on walls in awe.